[For more information please visit WeKeepYouStupidandBored.org where you can get the complete list of writers and editors that have been vetted and approved for the public dissemination of headlines and other large and bold typeface designed to get reader attention. The author of this article did not choose to follow well-documented mandates by governing agencies, therefore this article has been updated and corrected by independent compliance checkers to enforce current Blackout Text Masking Tool usages and criteria, also called BTMTUC. Read this article at your own risk.]
Original Article Begins Here
“Tom,” I said. (Tom serves as editor-in-chief of my publishing company.) “Tom, I want you to find out what the title is to this article but-but-but puhleeze do not tell me what it is until the Article Title Reveal Party, okay? Do you promise?”
Tom was only too happy to promise such a favor and I happily awaited the point in the gestation of a group of letters into words and paragraphs for him to be able to see what the title would be. Four months we’d have to wait as the article grew to the point it could be named, and excitement grew along with it. Oh my! What fun this Article Title Reveal Party would be. Why, Tom will give friends and other well-wishers balloons filled with letters that, when popped, would reveal the title and we’d all jump for joy and I could finally welcome this little missive into the world.
I was going to send out cards that said, “The Article Has Arrived! Its name is…” People would read it and they’d say, “Wowzers. What a great little article name. Why, I bet it sounds just like Mama. You must be so proud.”
And I was going to say, “Yes. I am so excited it is finally here. You have no idea how tough the creative process is. The pain and agony I’ve endured as this little article grew and grew. Why, I had to take a lot of naps because it was wearing me out like you wouldn’t believe.”
Other writers, who had previously been in the same gestation state would commiserate and we’d all share war stories about waking early with the nausea brought on by editors and their bombardments of red-lined markups and brag about all the nausea-easing coffee it took to get us through it.
But then a strange thing happened about a week before the Article Title Reveal Party*.
Tom called me, quite confused. He said, “Angela, I’m at the Article Title Letter Shop over here at the mall. They are saying that articles can only determine for themselves what their titles are and you have to wait until it decides what it wants to be called.”
I said, “Well, that surely is weird. Just ignore those people and get the letters and balloons and we’ll proceed, Tom.”
He sighed deeply. “You don’t understand, Angela. They are saying that they cannot sell those anymore. Something about a mandate from the government that says…hang on, let me quote to you from the handout they gave me.” Tom proceeded to read:
“All writers and editors, and anyone who believes they may have come into contact with a writer or an editor, is required to avoid any article titles — including headlines in newspapers, the news ticker scrolling at the bottom of television screens, billboards whether static or electronic in nature, circulars, local or national or international magazines, and anything that fits the nature of the article title but is herein not listed specifically — in the following settings:
Public transit • Healthcare settings (including long-term care facilities) • Adult and senior care facilities • Indoors in K-12 schools, childcare, and other youth settings • Outdoors • State and local correctional facilities and detention centers • Homeless shelters, emergency shelters, and cooling centers • And any and all other places where article titles may appear whether listed here or expected by readers in public or private settings.
“What? Tom are you kidding me?” I gasped, horrified at this mandate.
He said, “I haven’t finished reading yet.”
“What?” I gesticulated wildly, but he couldn’t see me gnashing my teeth and tearing out my hair because we were on the phone. “There’s more?” And he continued.
Blackout Text Masking Tools* are required for all readers and are recommended for everyone in indoor public places, like: Retail • Restaurants • Theaters • Family entertainment centers • Meetings • State and local government offices that serve the public • (To learn more and read the FAQs, see the Reader’s Guidance* downloadable booklet in PDF format for how best to use Blackout Text Masking Tools [BTMTs] and other Title Covering Options*. To learn how a masking tool can best protect you and keep you from being fined [up to 10,000 written copies of the sentence “I promise to always use my Blackout Text Masking Tool.”] or be jailed in a facility with no library or television or printed daily menu, please read the helpful Get the Most out of Blackout Text Masking Tools* guidelines.)
Also Blackout Text Masking Tools are required in non-retail places like parks and cars and buses and trains and taxis and other ride-sharing methods, and in private homes, and doctors offices that do not upsell patients on take-home products, among any other location, environment, or situation as yet listed.
“Whutthaf—! Fined or jailed?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!” I hollered excitedly in case the reader here missed the multiple exclamation marks indicating that excitement.
Tom said, “I can just imagine you gesticulating wildly and pacing the floor with this new information, but you must tell me what you want me to do? I don’t know what to do? I don’t know what to think? I-I-I-I—”
Man, if he’d been close, I think I would’ve had to slap him hard across the face.
Instead I simply hollered.
“Shut up! Let me think. Think-think-think. This is just silly, don’t you agree? Articles cannot name themselves. They are what they are. Just because an article may decide it wants to be about — oh, I don’t know — say popsicles, does not change the fact it is about peanut butter fudge.”
Tom, never good in an editorial emergency, wailed in the worst editor meltdown I’d ever heard. “I agree! But what can we do?”
“Calm down. I think I’ve got it. There must be exemptions to the Blackout Text Masking Tool mandate. Read further and see if there are exemptions.”
There was silence for a few moments as Tom perused the official handout. “Aha! Here are the exemptions,” he said, and began to read.
Blackout Text Masking Usage Exemptions*
The following are exempt from using Blackout Text Masking Tools at all times: Children under two years old due to the fact they cannot read or even identify individual letters. The exception to this exception is if the child is a genius at which point the child will be required to use a BTMT device at all times.
People with: Dyslexia and/or any mental health condition or disability that precludes avoiding article titles. This includes those for whom a Blackout Text Masking Tool would definitely obstruct critical thinking. Who are unconscious or incapacitated. Who are unable to use a Blackout Text Masking Tool without assistance.
People for whom seeing article titles is essential for communication such as: Those communicating with a person who is blind. People for whom using such a mask would create a risk as they work, but only as determined by all local, state, or federal regulators, and/or/as well as workplace safety guidelines as defined by local municipalities, towns, cities, counties, states, parishes, boroughs, regions, states, and other federal agencies, or the Editors and Writers Safety Association (please see their guidelines at EWSA.org***).
Further, also exempt is anyone at anytime that is attending a peaceful protest (as defined by the US Government and your state and local authorities) and sees anyone carrying a placard or wearing a t-shirt with a series of words that could, just in case, be considered an article title.
Also exempt is any article title that is self-named, but please be advised it is up to the reader to ask permission(s) to be read — following approved Title Naming Permission Language* protocols — and that permission(s) must be given by the article title itself.
You can just imagine that I went nuts when I heard Tom read all that.
I mean, we might could fake being in one of those exempt categories, but where could we get —
You know what, I thought? Who cares? So I told him just to leave the store and we’d figure out another way of finding out the title to the article. He came to the office where he found the as-yet-unidentified article had grown by about 400 words and proudly put his hand on the computer to feel the humming of the fan as it cooled down from all the work.
But our Article Title Reveal Party was only two weeks away.
Would I get surprised at the event or was I going to have to be surprised after publication when the blank title space would be filled when the article is fourteen years old? Geez.
“Tom,” said I in quite the emphatic fashion. “Forget the damn party. I’m going to wait until the article arrives and call it what it is then. What’s it gonna do anyway? Sue me? I think not. I nurtured it from the tiniest little thought of a letter until it grew to the healthy 2100-and-13 words that it is. I gave it life and I can damn well take it away if it gets smart-alecky fresh with me.”
Tom took heart by my fighting words and stood straight and tall. “I’m with you on this! You are an inspiration to all writers and editors out there. You know what? You should start a blog.”
“What? More writing without getting paid?” I was discouraged.
Tom patted me on the shoulder and he said, “Buck up. Think about all the good you’ll be doing by inspiring other writers and editors and readers. Remember, it isn’t about the money.”
I wiped a tear from my eye and proceeded to name the article [This title has been removed by independent compliance checkers. For more information, click this link here: WeKeepYouStupidandBored.org] A title that, by the way, was so funny it gave Tom paroxysms of laughter as I’m sure it has you as well. I can only hope you weren’t drinking your favorite whiskey/whisky when you read the title because I would hate for you to snort the liquid out of your nose or spill it and get it all over your keyboard, computer, pad, or other device.
ARTICLE UPDATE BY AUTHOR:
I am unhappy to report that unnamed and thus unidentified so-called independent compliance checkers have worked with Big Tech to change this article to meet ever-more-stringent compliance guidelines every time these are updated. Therefore, you will note the title name has been changed to reflect the current thought control measures.
However, there is some good news. In my local area are several outlets for uncensored materials. These outlets do not believe that articles can simply choose to be what they want to be. There is hope in #resist.
* This is a party title and is being used with permission by the title itself who does identify as what it is named. Further, this title does not claim to reserve any right to it and its usage here is not being claimed as copyright infringement by the title itself.
* These titles have all been self-named and are only being used with their permission. Some had claimed they are not titles but merely suggestions as to what they feel like they are at time of publication and have reserved the right to have the reader not call them a title once they change their mind and be ready to publicly apologize if they have not read the article title’s mind upon sharing the article or reading it aloud to more than two people in a private setting or anywhere the general public may be.
*** I have sent a letter to this organization and pulled my membership as they have turned out to be nothing but shills for the Politically Correct Liberal Democrat RINO Socialist Fascist Commie editors and writers who wish to be little dictators. (Hey, you know what you get when you cross an actual male’s actual male member with a potato from any state except Idaho? A dicktater!)
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Born and raised in Georgia, Angela K. Durden is an author, publisher, editor, songwriter, performer, and more, living in the Metro Atlanta, Georgia, area. Support your Citizen Journalist and visit her Consolidated Author Page and buy a book. See more about Angela here. Want to watch a fun video? Click here.
