Okay, look. After my amazingly delicious bruschetta dinner [see end of article for my recipe], I turned on my smart TV and logged onto YouTube. While GooGoo in 2015 quietly dropped their motto of “Do No Evil”, there is still some good stuff on there.
So here I am watching a video of Kevin Buzzard at the Royal Institution explain what computers can’t do and, by way of proof of his concept, saying something about the first computation of Bernoulli numbers way back in another century by some lady named Lovelace and I am on my second glass of Merlot and sitting in front of a window with a cool breeze blowing in and all I can think is that he’s saying everything I’ve been saying for ages about computers and all I can say is “Geez, there but for the grace of God go I.” No wonder I do my best work in my jammies as I frantically, rhythmically, pace the floor from computer to kitchen (where wine is poured) and back, orating brilliantly and making the people in my imaginary audience laugh in an approving manner.
Yes, yes, yes, some folks say I’m a “smarty pants” and they do not mean that kindly, but you know what? In vino veritas! But I don’t have to drink wine to know I know what I know and that I don’t know what I don’t know and that I can’t know what is currently unknown — black swans and all that.
However, I can say this about computers and the question of artificial intelligence (AI): A computer is nothing but a hammer, y’all, and that will never change.
Rut-roh. I can see it now.
The “Fear the Robots” Sci-Fi aficionados and “AI will become self-aware” geeks bowing up on me. Therefore, let me make a comparison using the Theory of Evolution.
Several times people have trotted out to me as proof of evolution the fact that beavers build houses and that the dam/house structure varies based upon its placement. See, they say, that is self-aware intelligence. No, I counter, that is a built-in limited process. Let’s have a further conversation when the beavers get together to build a multi-story high rise of glass and concrete, pay for electricity and water, and elect officers for their home owners’ association.
Computers are nothing but hammers. Just as hammers wait in the toolbox until somebody needs to pound on something, computers do nothing until they are instructed to do it by a human. Unlike human babies, brand new computers do not “explore” themselves when they are first turned on or wonder at these things at the end of their hard drives. Babies do not need to be told to — Whoa! Look at how all those things bend. Hmmm…what can I do with those?
Pop. In the fingers go to the mouth.
Grasp! Wowzers, I can use these wet, sticky things to pick up that shiny thing over there and put that in my mouth. Time goes on and next thing you know parents are screaming like my mother did when my sister was still in diapers and we were sitting on the floor rolling a set of small balls back and forth. Mother said, “Where did you get those — CRAP! Take your hands off that!” and we cried because she took away our toys and now we had to get bathed.
Never once has anyone ever come into a room and found two computers rolling anything between them. Not once — unless a human built them to do it, turned them on, put the ball down, and then ran the program.
But, you see, that’s why babies need parents to watch out after them. Unlike a computer, when a baby is silent, parents worry what trouble that child is getting into. When parents go out for the evening, they hire a babysitter and give them instructions about the care and feeding of the child. But never once has anybody ever hired a babysitter for a computer when they leave.
All this discussion about AI and the rise of the robots and the demise of the human race is a First World Problem. The other day I spoke with a man from Nigeria who proceeded to inform me that the US is the best place to live on the planet and that is why he legally immigrated here and built a better life for himself, his wife, and children who have now given him grandchildren. He did not understand all the whining he hears from people about small things. I said those small things whined about are called First World Problems. He’d never heard the phrase and asked for an example. I gave him one:
A First World Problem
Somebody goes to Barstucks and orders a low-fat skinny frappamochachinolala drink with almond milk and has to wait a little bit longer than they want for their order to be filled and they go into a meltdown pitching a fit that the whipped cream is too high and they can’t have all that sugar.
That, sir, is a First World Problem, I said. It is something that really doesn’t matter but is given the weight of a life and death reaction. He nodded gravely and said yes, he’d seen such things but did not know what they were called. He said where he grew up, water was scarce and clean water was even more so. That, he said, is a real problem to worry about.
And nobody in — oh, let’s say, Somalia — ever sits around and says, “Hey, I’m really worried about the future rise of robots taking over my town.” No, they are worried about the war lords immediately trying to kill them now. The concept of their lives being taken over by a collection of plastic and metal that needs to be plugged in to an electric grid and then trying to kill them never enters their minds.
All that to say, what a waste of time to even think about AI as a replacement for humans! That is a First World Fantasy Problem. Poo-pooing that idea is not arrogance on my part. In fact, the opposite is true. It is they who have an overweening pride in human achievement and who insist that something they designed, built, and programmed can become so powerful and uncontrollable. In a way, they play the part of God, viewing themselves as creator and worrying their creation will overtake them.
I am not going overboard on this.
In fact, besides being a First World Problem, the entire discussion on AI and the power of the robots and computer grid taking over against human will is simply a cry for spiritual help from these people.
They need to worship something, but they don’t want to acknowledge (or don’t know they can in case they have fallen for that silly theory of evolution) something they cannot see (though that is completely hypocritical on their part) or admit to a being that is greater than them and created them and all they see and have discovered and are yet to discover and who has rules and regulations about how to act.
These theorists who go nuts defining the rules governing all-things-quantum, have no problem attempting to prove that things that are so small they cannot be seen have great power over everything from DNA to Black Holes to the massiveness of the force of nothing that is in between. In creating their own god, they have, in point of fact, completely described Almighty God and the systems He originated and keeps in place so they can live and worry about robots taking over.
And they don’t even get it. I do. More and more scientists are coming to understand Almighty God’s role in all that they see, feel, define, use, and study. From Fibonacci numbers (I love these!) to Mandelbrot sets (fractals) to the Penrose Tiles (lots of fun) to all the other Maths, these were merely discovered by humans because God had already invented them and successfully used them in everything.
Gravity. Color. Light. Sound. Taste. Texture. Everything. God made it all. We humans are simply destined to pace our floors in our jammies and hope that when all enlightenment opens in our brains that we don’t lose our ever-loving minds like John McAfee did and who, just like Epstein, did not kill himself.
* My Delicious Bruchetta Recipe: Fresh garlic, onions, tomatoes, and cilantro, chopped fine, and olive oil. Cut freshly baked French baguette into quarter inch slices, douse with olive oil, and heat; top with the bruschetta. Hello, Mama! Delish.
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Born and raised in Georgia, Angela K. Durden is an author, publisher, editor, songwriter, performer, and more, living in the Metro Atlanta, Georgia, area. Support your Citizen Journalist and visit her Consolidated Author Page and buy a book. See more about Angela here. Want to watch a fun video? Click here.
